Vulnerable and Real

So, I’ve been an emotional mess.

I’m tired. This is the worst quarter of grad school and I’ve just been… emotional. I’m so tired. I haven’t slept as much or had much time for rest. I’ve been spending too much time alone. I’ve felt this deep neediness and insecurity and loneliness. My brain has not been nice.

We studied these attachment theories, which honestly I fucking hate. We read all of this stuff about kids who didn’t have stable caregivers and how they are fucked for life, how their brains wire poorly and they develop abnormal amygdalas. I just read all of this shit, and it’s all about people like me. They talked about children like me, who’s moms abandoned them and how we cannot form secure attachments and are permanently and irreversibly broken. They talked about kids who’s parents were neglectful, and absent and the children they raise who cannot regulate emotion and can’t form normal connections. And fuck, I hate that.  I hate it.

I hate the idea that someone would read this and think, “well that explains it. Poor fucked up girl. Of course she is this way.”

And then I’m reading this other stuff about how humans crave connection. We need trust and belonging. We are wired from birth to attach and connect and seek intimacy in all kinds of forms. We are balls of fear and longing with center cores of gushy love. We all want to be seen and heard. Continue reading

Trust Me

a man whispers to Tori Amos in her music video

a man whispers to Tori Amos in her music video

There is so much bubbling around in my head, a storm of adventure and love and longing and power and I can’t share.  I not this person of intrigue and I don’t always enjoy the holding, but I hold it.  I don’t want to be the person on the inside.  I never wanted to be alone in here.  How could I know what I’d be handed or how that would change my view.

Oh be careful, so careful what you wish for.  I don’t want to know and I can’t say.  I’m excited, yes, of course.  I can’t pretend I don’t dream of this constantly.  I want to read everyone’s mind.  I often joke about wanting to crack people like a walnut.  I wish for it endlessly.  I wish for it more with some than others.

But it doesn’t always make the world a less lonely place to be let in.  Sometimes it makes the world echo more.   The pressure of silence weighs heavy.  I don’t always know what it all means and I can’t untangle it so easily, bouncing off the walls of my skull, coiling.  It feels wondrously and terrifyingly inclusive.

It’s sick to feel joy at what it means to know, to be on the inside.

And it’s sick that it eats the lining of my stomach.

It’s twisting in my hands and tearing my palms, a dubious gift.

But I can take it.

It’s okay.

I am so fucking honored by trust.

I am so blessed by love.   Continue reading

Mmmm.. Good.

Sex probably shouldn’t be as reassuring to me as it is, but well, it is.  This one has some explicit sex.  Be advised.

I’ve had reason to need reassurance and I got it.  Traveler and I have had weeks of dates where we were getting a lot of work done.  I was moving and we shopped for things I’d need and he helped move me and just do all kinds of chores.  We worked on some of his stuff too.  I love this and its a good thing.. but we really looked forward to being together to just chill.

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Woman in a sexy gingham bent sexily into the oven found at :http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/girl-oven-hot.jpg

So this weekend we happily planned a “nothing” date.  We planned a nice afternoon out having some low-key fun and an evening of making casseroles, playing WoW and petting.  We got lots of petting and snuggles Friday, but we’re gluttons for it, so another day of it sounded great.  He may be the only person I’ve ever been with that loves snuggling and petting as much as I do.  It’s a lovely thing when your love of affection matches.

We made two yummy casseroles together.  I love cooking with him, talking and playing, grabbing his butt while he stirs.  Lovely.  We caught up on all sorts of conversation and made some naughty plans.  Huzzah.  It was a lot later than we’d planned when we finished cooking and talking and showered, and we decided to play WoW in the morning. It’s been a while, and I’ve been sick, and this was the first time we’ve had sex since my health stuff came to light.  I was worried it would be odd, and that there would be this thing between us.  But there wasn’t.  It wasn’t weird. If anything it was sweeter, more connected, more passionate.  I wanted to make it last, wanted to soak it up, and we did at first, kisses and touches and locked eyes, slowly achingly moving.  But we quickly got a little carried away and frantic, and it was over too soon.  We were both sated, and reeling, but we couldn’t break apart.  You know how it is when you just can’t break the spell?

I worried about nothing.  I feared nothing.  Or well.. no.  I had real fears that are luckily unfounded.  He’s told me this a few times now that I needn’t worry, and held me and told me how much he loved me.  He’s spent time with me and been present.  He’s talked to me and touched me and helped me.  And ALL of that was so needed and so important.  In no way do I want to negate that.  I have to tell you, right wrong or indifferent, that his actions have reassured me.  But I held this last little bit of vulnerable fear until he fucked me.  I needed him to need me and want me.  I needed to know I wouldn’t change in his eyes or lose this amazing connection.  I needed him to move with me and I needed his passion.  I needed to be the same woman to him.  It’s maybe a little bit of how I’m wired.  I have lots of love languages and sex is by no means the most important.  But it is one of the easiest.  And I’m grateful.

Bon Voyage

** I talk about more traveling, some thinky bits, and a sexy time date with Cleveland.  Just letting you know.  ;)**

ImageI’m going to my brother’s today in Phoenix.  It’s the last of my trips for a bit, thank god.  I’ve been having a lot of fun traveling and seeing cool things, but it’s going to be nice to have December over and go back to normal.  I miss time with my honeys and metamours and friends and my regular life.

I have been brimming over with happiness just lately though.. so happy and so grateful.  Traveler’s Wife and I had a text convo that left me smiling even the next day… just about our happiness, about love and connection and friendship and all these amazing blessings.  And last night I had my little sandwich date with Cleveland.  He was out of town until the day before and I’m going out of town now, the day after.  Thus the sandwich.  Wonderful.  It was so nice to see his sweet face and talk to him about everything and nothing.  There was so much snuggling and petting and kisses and the sex was ridiculously hot.  I asked him after if it’s like that for him too.  I don’t know if our bodies are just learning each others or we’re just syncing more, but it’s been really good lately.  And the talk!  We talked and talked about all kinds of things.. and he leveled with me on something.  He finally had a twinge, just a little thing, but we were able to talk about it and I’m hoping that I’m offering reassurance.  It was nice to see such real feeling from him.  I don’t want him to get twinges, but I have to admit it was nice to be able to talk about it.

perspective4It’s been funny.. vacillating between so much joy at all kinds of happy things and feeling so much love and feeling so loved, and also frustration and uncertainty in my few small moments.  I’m trying to remember that I’m tired and it’s just a stressful time of year, and that I shouldn’t read into anything, but I find myself more uncertain in these little moments, you know?  I’m not a girl who asks “what does it mean” all the time, of every decision and statement and behavior of my loved ones. I don’t have my friends read things to decipher the hidden meaning in them.  I assume people mean the things they’ve said.  I tend to be direct and I always assume others are too.  It makes me crazy to try to read into everything and I just don’t do it much.

But in these little moments here and there I find myself tallying.  Does him blowing me off mean I’m out here alone.. in love by myself?  Does taking 2 days to answer a text when I know they see every text mean anything?  Does this sweet gesture mean anything?  Did he mean it when he said what he said?  Ugh.  I HATE being like that, so when I catch myself I actually shake my head and tell myself a few things.

perspective1Its usually something like. “Self, listen.  This is an adult relationship.  If this person is trying to tell you things they have proven to you that they will say them.  You do not need to turn into the damn Riddler asking why why why.  This is you missing them and feeling a little vulnerable and sad to be without them.  Knock it off.  Look at all of this good evidence and remember that these doubts are existing now because you are just a little off of your balance.  Look at all of the proof, gained over time, that you love and are loved. Don’t let your fear tell you things that aren’t true.  It’s okay that you’re vulnerable and that this makes you a little afraid.  You are allowed to feel this, and don’t need to beat yourself up about it.  Feel the things you feel and when you’re asking yourself why you feel them, again you will see it’s just that you miss your lover.  They miss you too.  Look at the things that show you they miss you.  Think about all the good things you have felt and said lately.  Remember that you are actually happy and sure most of the time.  There is a reason for that.  It makes sense.  Relax.”

It’s funny how quickly a good little pause and reminder work.  As soon as I understand what is happening I feel it shrink and it’s a perspective change.  I see all the beautiful things.  I feel so loved.  I feel secure and happy and cherished.  I feel lucky beyond belief.  I can’t believe I am allowed so much love, to flow through me and to me.  I feel grateful.  I think of all the support and affection and laughter and giving of self I get, and I am bowled over by my blessings.  I have friends who shower me with love.  I have loves who are kind.  What a blessing of abundance.

I think of sitting in my car nearly weeping with joy, texting back and forth with Traveler’s wife about so much happiness and I can’t help but smile.  My people are so very good to me and I love my little budding family.  I can’t tell you what that means to me.  I literally don’t have the words.

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Quinky Girl Understands "Too Much"

I read this post by Quinky Girl at Blogspot.  It’s called The Mystery of Medusa.  Holy shit.  Holy Shit. 

ImageI said to her:

“Holy shit.  Printing.  I can’t believe someone said it.  I can’t believe someone gets “too much” and all the layers of it.  I simply can’t explain too much.  I get twisted and don’t have the words and it comes out weaker and stronger than I mean it and with all the wrong emphasis.  You’re right that the particulars are different, but that the feelings are similar.  I saw my thoughts and feelings in so much of what you wrote.  It’s been a year of coming to terms with “too much” again.  I thought this was one I had licked.  I grew so much with it and at first I was exhausted to find myself here again, but I see it’s a journey with me.  I’m not in the same place, but I am on the same path or digging in the same vein or whatever.  I like the growth but I don’t always like the process.  I accept it, but it’s not comfortable.  That’s okay.  My life is not about being as comfortable as I can be.  Thank you for digging this up and posting it”.

Fugees – Killing Me Softly

I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd.
I felt he’d found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on.

Strumming my pain with his fingers.
Singing my life with his words.
Killing me softly with his song.
Killing me softly with his song.
Telling my whole life with his words.
Killing me softly.

He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.
And then he looked right through me as if I wasn’t there.
But he was there, this stranger, singing clear and loud.

 

The Scab Isn't That Thick

I was talking to Peaches about slowly investing in and enjoying a new relationship, because she had a great date and is cautious.. intelligently.  I just had one of the nicest dates ever with Cleveland last night.  It was maybe the hottest sex we’ve had, but that wasn’t really the thing.  I just felt sweet.  I felt the connection there.  We were talking and laughing and I was petting his belly and we just kinda… connected.  I wrapped myself around him like a cat.  I fell for him a little while ago and I find myself tentatively starting to trust him.  It’s not a thing I’m good at.  It takes me a long long long time to really invest.  Even Great Date, who I dated for 9 months.. I loved him and wanted him, but I had only started to trust him around the time things fell apart and he actively tried to hurt me.  I trusted Hubby to my very core, but it took years to get there and in the end… I was wrong.  I’ve been taking those tentative steps with Traveler for a little while now, but it’s really just begun.  It’s okay.  Slowly investing is a good thing.

I think the men I am involved with are good men, but then I would always think that or I wouldn’t be with them.  And they may be good men who just aren’t right with me too.  That’s of course a possibility.  I’m dealing with my stuff and taking it slow.

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tribune.com.pk

I find myself stumbling across landmines, not often, but every now and then.  There are these little thoughts and I kinda rub against them.  “I’m starting to really trust Traveler.  Is that a good idea?  Should I be investing here or am I seeing what I want to see?”.  “I love him and I’m falling in love with him.. and I think maybe he is too.. but is that real?”.  Most of the time I can kinda process and reason, but every now and then it sets off a landmine of stuff.. from old things and from Hubby.  It’s okay.  I spend a little time thinking about things, or writing, and maybe talk it out with a friend.  It’s to be expected, right?  I mean, my marriage just unraveled.  That does shake things up a bit.  I’m just accepting that I need to do this work and deal with this stuff.  I hate what a girl it makes me feel like though.  

This latest little one is a small snowball.  Traveler’s Wife was talking to me about how someone wasn’t in love with someone and I had this tiny passing thought that I quickly dismissed.  “Was she trying to tell me something about Traveler?  Telling me that I’m out there alone?”.  Then I thought “Wow.  Way to make it about you” and laughed it off.  People have all kinds of goofy thoughts all the time.  A day or so later in a totally unrelated train of thought I wondered “When exactly did Hubby stop loving me?  Wait.  Did he actually love me?  What if I invented the whole thing?”  That one was more thorny.  It comes up from time to time. 

And then last Saturday with Traveler and last night with Cleveland.  “Did I imagine it?  Was it there?  Did they feel what I did or did I just hope they did?  They have great loves.  Maybe to them it’s just fun…”

It presented this little nugget of insecurity and self doubt and fear of vulnerability that I get to process and deal with.  It’s a good thing for growth but it’s sometimes unlovely.  I cried for an hour today, bringing up all the little things I’ve been gathering to fear and feel bad about.  I walked and read.  I talked to a friend.  I cried because I needed to cry and I cried for about an hour.  That’s a long long long time for me but sometimes I guess you just need that.  I am apparently after-all a big old girl.  I feel better.  I think I’ll ask for some snuggles tonight.  We’ll have a nice dinner and play a game or snuggle to a movie and I’ll love him and let him love me.  Sometimes old fears and old securities come up and I’m learning that it’s less helpful to beat myself up for a moment of weakness than to just deal with it and accept that we all have weak moments.  Maybe it’s more about what we do with them.     

New Relationships Suck

Okay.  New relationships don’t totally suck.  I love new kisses.  I love the heady feeling of petting  a new amour (old amours too :)).  I like getting to know people and the excitement of those times when you find someone pretty great.  I love learning about somebody I like and discovering shared interests and what makes them tick.  I absolutely love being let into a new person’s weird little world.

But the “will we?”, “won’t we?”, “what is this?”, “will he call?”, “should I call?” thing.. I fucking hate.  I’m not talking specifics here, but a general thing.  I despise being that girl.  I hate wondering if they like me, if they really like me.  I hate not knowing what I am or what is expected.  I don’t like second guessing myself or asking myself dumb questions or worrying about dumb things.  I don’t like being like.. “so.. I’d like to see you, um, you know if you’d like to see me, um.. is it too soon…”.  I do not like feeling off of my balance and I don’t like the process of becoming vulnerable or putting something out there.

I don’t generally do the “girl” thing of constantly asking myself and my girlfriends what everything means.  I tend to just read or hear what people say and assume they mean that.  If a person likes you they will find a way to let you know unequivocally.  I don’t treat the people I date like obtuse ruins I have to endlessly read.  If they are that vague, frankly they aren’t a good match for me.  I like good communicators.   I don’t seek and decipher hints.  I don’t chase people or play games like not answering for x amount of time to see if they like me.  All those reindeer games annoy me.  MOST of the time I can avoid this sort of milquetoast mealy-mouth wishy-washy basing-my-behavior-on-theirs kind of thing.

If I like you, I say I like you.  Okay.. I’m getting better at that one.  The mush talk is hard for me, but I told Cleveland I liked him and didn’t even hide my face.  If I am interested in you I will find a way to let you know clearly and directly that I dig you.  My actions show I’m interested.  If I want you I will tell you I want you.  If I wonder about stuff, I’ll ask.  It’s a good policy.  If something bugs me I’ll tell you it bugs me before it’s a big deal.  You will always know where you stand with me.  It’s a quality I like in myself and others.

So, I have to admit that the little space between “this is fun and has potential” and “I love you and you love me” makes me nuts.  I’ve dated a lot.  I’ve fucked a lot.  But, I have not put myself out there for a relationship much at all.  It’s a small handful of people I’ve been emotionally vulnerable with.  I’m a total nube at it and like most people doing most things the first few times, I’m not super good at it.  It makes me feel a little off my balance, risking something, and I am not a fan.

I am a strong independent woman.  I’m smart and capable and sometimes bold.  Dammit, I hate being this weak unsure person.  I hate that something small makes me doubtful or afraid, even if it’s only a teeny bit.  Thankfully I usually get tired of feeling that way quickly and stop doing whatever is making me feel that way. It’s just not a place I’m comfortable and I do not linger.  I’d like to avoid it all together and be awesome with opening up and being vulnerable- consequences and potential hurt be damned.  I’ve grown here, but something tells me it’s going to be an ongoing growth point for me.

I’m learning.. slowly slowly slowly.. to be okay with the in-between.  Maybe there are even things to like about this time here.  Maybe.