A week night. A weak night. I’m here and having a nice night to myself, relaxing and watching Game of Thrones. But I’m tired. I’m so very tired. I’m bone tired. I’ve had a headache for 4 days and I’m just so tired. I’m overworked this week and stressed. I’m tired and sore and my body hurts. I keep popping my jaw. I can’t let down my shoulders, they are so tight. t have to push just a little bit further. I just have to push through and get my big work project on the rails and I’m so very close. I got a massage, which didn’t help much, and I had a lovely if frustrating date with Cleveland this week and a nice time with dinner and hanging with Traveler.
I’ve been doing some thinking about what it means to have a special relationship with my metamour, and trying to parse out how to do it right. Some of the surface stuff is relatively easy and there is lots of info online, but some of this I’m figuring out. There aren’t a lot of models on how to do it right. Quinky Girl wrote an excellent blog about some of her thoughts and it’s here. I can’t, won’t, and am not in ANY way speaking for her. If you want her take on things I’d suggest you visit her blog and/or ask her. 🙂 I am asking myself a lot of questions and trying on some answers to see what I think, and I thought it might be useful stuff to others navigating relationships with your lover’s others, so I’m sharing my take so far on a few of those questions.
One of the potential sticky bits is what you should share with each other about your shared partner. I could go all medieval and say “we ain’t saying shit about them”, but I’m not sure that would be my preferred method. I mean, I’d RESPECT that and it’s anyone’s right to ask for that… but I’d LIKE not to lose the good with the challenging. Flamingfoxtale at Emotional Mutation wrote a blog post about ending metamour relationships and “just being friends”. There was a lot I related to. There is a line I especially felt. I too want to collaborate in love. And letting go of this special relationship would be a huge loss. Swearing off of frank talk altogether would be a shame to me. Continue reading
“It takes two to make drama. There comes a point where you just have to ignore the other person and not let yourself feed in to their drama”.
I didn’t like a blog post but it pointed out true things.. kinda. I’ve defended Great Date and his propensity for drama quite a bit, but I most certainly had my own drama in the last days of our relationship, so I have to own my part.
I was overly emotional and reactionary. I was terrified of losing this thing I thought was so good. I had a jealous time at first with PolyV. I had a hard time dealing with others constant jealousy and insecurity. I took on the feelings of those around me. I became overwhelmed and didn’t handle my emotions well AT ALL. I’m embarrassed at how effected I was and at the emotional lability I expressed. Continue reading
Turns out he didn’t break up with me in a text.
Great Date has been one of the best relationships of my life. He’s an amazing man and I’m lucky to have spent time with him and I love him. Even casual readers will know how devastating this is. If you’re shocked, don’t feel bad. I’m shocked too. I have never been more honest or more vulnerable or more real. I have never enjoyed that level of acceptance and love. This is by far one of the most painful things of my life.
I can’t and don’t want to delve too far into what happened, but I need to say something I can’t really say in life, with people who know both of us. I don’t want to hurt his reputation or him mine. I want to think we can be mature and kind. I love him. I can’t turn it off like a light. I just love him so fucking much and I don’t want to hurt him. It kills me to think of that, but I’m not stupid. I know this hurts him. Continue reading
This is in response to Karen at the Corruption’s post.
Generally a post about the temporary nature of things makes me sad, but this one didn’t. I like the idea of acknowledging and celebrating the temporary nature of things, people, relationships.. all of it.
When my father died last year I thought about this alot as we went through his things. An entire lifetime boiled down to me, my cousin and my uncle sorting through boxes and planning a bonfire wake. I took the most precious things with me on the plane and mailed a few too, but I couldn’t help but think about who would go through my boxes of stuff and sort through my life, and how little some of the treasures I brought back with me would mean.
I’ve been tagged by TR Jensen over at The Narcissist’s Blog, to answer a list of questions. Pretty honored. If you haven’t read her blog yet, check it out. It rocks and I try never to miss an installment, even though my stupid reader never lists her new blogs. Like her, scanning the questions made me think it’d be fun.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
I was born in Euclid, Ohio and raised in Mentor and Willoughby. These are suburbs of Cleveland. I lived my early adult life in Cleveland also. It’s nicer than you think and I have a PowerPoint to prove it. Yes. I am a geek that made a PowerPoint for fun.
IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
I have one grown foster daughter (21) and two step daughters (20 and 15).
HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?
I have a boxer dog named Leeloo, two adopted cats Kittoo and Battee, and a little ridiculously cute but not-so-awesome dog that poops in my house. He’s a chihuahua/miniature weiner dog (they call them chiweinies) named Dexter. This is my little dog.
YOUR WORST INJURY?
You’d think it’d be one of my two motorcycle accidents, but it was actually a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I lost about half my blood volume and was in surgery for a long time to stop the bleeding, losing my pregnancy, my fallopian tube, and part of my uterus. It was a long and difficult recovery.
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
It’s weird, and I include it on my OKCupid profile, but I am an excellent low-crawler. Like.. freakishly good. I learned this in the Army. I am also a font of truly useless knowledge.
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?
I love to make cookies. I do this a lot for the holidays. I like making my own kind of jam thumbprints, chocolate chip, peanut butter, russian tea, greek powdered sugar cookies, and bunches of others. I also like baking mini pies in small canning jars. They are wonderful, not that hard to make, and make great gifts for friends and stuff.
FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
I try never to eat it, but when I do I have a thing for Arby’s. I love me some beef and cheddar and curly fries.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Well.. probably their faces or whatever is facing me. I mean I’d like to have x-ray mind vision, but I don’t.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I teared up this morning listening to Mackelmore’s (spelling?) “Same Love”. It’s all like deep and shit. I like Mary Lambert’s singing in it too. If you are at all weird, especially sexually, you must go right now and listen to it. 🙂
ANY CURRENT WORRIES?
I really don’t have any serious concerns. I worry about stuff though I hate to admit it. I’m kind of a ruminator. I worry about big junk like our government and people starving in America and little junk like fastidiously washing my good knives so they stay nice. Personal concerns right now include my waistline, my relationships, and why my damn little dog won’t gain weight and insists on not being potty trained.
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?
I am rereading The Outsiders because it was an old favorite book and I haven’t read it in forever and I randomly listed it on OK Cupid as a favorite. A guy asked me about it and when I admitted I hadn’t read it in 20 or so years he suggested we both read it and meet for coffee some day to talk about it. Pretty refreshing approach and I took him up on it. I think he honestly just wants friends because he and his wife are new to being open and she’s now living in another state with her other partner and I think it’s hard on him. We text sometimes and I think we might be slowly building a nice friendship.
The last book I read that I hated… The Elegance of the Hedgehog. What a rotten crappy book populated with the least likable and most pretentious pompous asses I’ve ever had the misfortune to read about. I know someone who’d love that book though. Okay.. that’s not nice. Bad SeattlePolyChick.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE?
A real pirate.. no. A fake Hollywood pirate, sure. Real pirates kill people and have tough lives and make other’s lives tougher.
Coffee, chocolate, bakeries, Great Date, Hubby, Traveler, green tea, puppy ears, grapefruit and Chanel.
WHY DO YOU BLOG?
I love to write and it was a good outlet for all this polyamory junk because it’s been hard to make friends in the poly community. It has seemed that everyone I befriend wants to date me or not talk to me much. We are busy folk, but this kinda bothers me. I have some great friendships forming now though.
WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I could not care less. Play what you like. When my father died last year, a funeral and a bunch of fancy pomp seemed wrong. He didn’t even own a suit anymore. He’d been a million people but was essentially a cowboy biker adventurist. We wanted to have a bonfire for him and couldn’t find a good place for it, but instead found a nice pavilion. We sat outside on picnic tables and told stories about him and ate simple snacks from trays I bought at Walmart. We brought his favorite stuff and his art. It was honestly the nicest service I’d ever been to. His family and friends told stories and said things about him. It was funny and sad and hard, but mostly good. He was a complicated guy like most of us and we both roasted and praised him. He was a wonderful and terrible father and a great and flawed human. It was perfect. If I have a say, I want this too. His close family then poured him into a river nearby.
He is part of everything now because ever drop of water in a river in Ohio is one day in the ocean and the rain and in all of us. It’s what I’ve wanted done with me when I die and he liked it.
WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My insecurity! I hate it!!!!!!! I am also not a fan of my desire to control everything.
World of Warcraft. (don’t judge me)
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?
common interest, love, humor, decency, communication, fun.. regular stuff I imagine.
NAME SOMETHING YOU’VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D DO
Get a girl’s number for my husband or be happy my boyfriend is excited about another girl.
Sit at a BBQ with my husband, my Dom, my lover and his girlfriend, a girl I fucked last night and my husband’s girlfriend… and like it. Poly is a strange strange world that seems really normal. The weirdest part is how not weird it actually is.
FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO
I love walking and reading and air hockey. I love roller skating and shooting pool and learning new stuff. I love orgasms, having them and giving them. I love dancing and singing, though I am awful at both.
ANY PET PEEVES?
I have OODLES! People who cut in line, don’t merge, talk loud on cell phones, lie, say supposubly, make me wait a lot, hate the president and don’t know why (totally fine if you know why).. oh god.. i just have oodles. Let’s leave it at that.
WHAT’S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
My friend telling me that he and this boy he plays with are looking for a girl to have some very fun gay/bi boy fun with and my husband trying to help facilitate it. Hilarious! He’s all “Honey!! You love male/male action! Go do them!!!” If only my friend didn’t only like skinny girls. Roller Girl and I have that same fantasy but neither of us is skinny. On the plus side. now that he knows I like it he might send me pics. Huzzah!
And now I am going to tag some blogger’s to answer the questions themselves.
http://jackofalltriads.wordpress.com (all of them rock!)
I was nominated for the Liebster blog award by Adhava at “His Beloved Submissive”. I love her blog and plug her whenever I can (Hey.. that DOES sound dirty).. whatever. Check her out. She’s a very articulate and interesting writer and she gives a really nuanced and loving view of a full time submissive. So, here are the rules:
Here are the rules for receiving this award:
1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2. Answer the questions that the tagger set for you plus create 11 questions for the people you’ve tagged to answer.
3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
4. Go to their page and tell them.
5. No tag backs!
Eleven Things About me
1. I’m only 5’2″ and I have size 9 feet and wear men’s medium or large gloves. It’s weird. If I were a dude all the ladies would think I had a HUGE wiener.
2. I am a nerd. Really. I graduated with 3.9, was both Phi Beta Kappa and Psi Chi, and have two published research studies and a minor. NERD!
3. I can’t whistle, make a U out of my tongue or do any kind of neat tricks like that., though I can tie a knot in a cherry stem, for what that’s worth.
4. I was in the Army for 7 years, was an expert marksman, and used to be able to do 35 pushups in 2 minutes. I can’t do this now.
5. I know wayyyyyyyy too much about death. I got on a kick in college and just immersed myself in mortuary science, forensics, decomposition, funerary practices, all of it. It’s fascinating to me that we don’t talk much about death or sex and they are such huge life events.
6. I’m obsessed with the movie Baby Mama. I’ve watched it many many many times.
7. My favorite sex position is probably from behind, doggie style, though I am really loving being on top lately.. thank you Great Date. (hey it’s a polyamory blog.. love and sex kinda make sense)
8. I have a dream of having a poly family.. like living in a little apartment building or duplex or whatever with the people I love, supporting each other and being a family but having our own places too. I picture big holidays and occasional parties and game nights and stuff.
9. I make homemade soups and eat them for lunch everyday. I freeze about half and mix and match week’s soups so I don’t eat the same thing every day. My favorites all seem to have either turkey apple or Italian sausage in them.
10. I raised snakes and lizards before I joined the Army and I had oodles of them, including a 15′ Burmese Python.
11. I’m writing a novel about a tattoo artist, but I so rarely write in it lately that I’m not sure I can still say I’m writing it. Continue reading
Kinky Boy and I work together and today is the first day at work post break up. He’s here, about 3 feet from me, on my left, facing the left side of my face. Oh yeah.. that’s why we shouldn’t fuck around at work.
It’s pretty amicable so far. We went and got a coffee this morning and talked just a tad. I’m glad we broke up and I don’t miss being with him as much as I thought I might, but yeah.. it’s a little sad. I’m not sure what to do with all the detritus from our short lived relationship.
What do you do with what’s left over when you are left with it being over?
We hid aardvarks in each others desks and such because we can’t kiss or be mush monsters at work and I keep finding goddamned aardvarks and I’m not sure what to do with them. I can’t throw them away, but I can’t just leave the ones that are up where I have to stare at them. I’m thinking about sequestering them in the back of one of my drawers. What do I do with all of our pics on my phone and all of his messages? I guess I’ll put the pics on my computer somewhere and delete them from my phone.
We’re being pretty mature and hopefully we’ll revert to coworkers and friends. I’ll still see him when I go on dates with Roller Girl because they live together, and I’ll see him at work obviously (though thankfully only 3 days a week). It’s a new thing for me to break up with someone I still love because they aren’t right for me and to try to keep them in my life in a good way because they’re pretty much there regardless. Transitioning.. hmm.. I don’t know bout that you poly people.. but I’m gonna try it.
Ahhh Great Date. I’m still reelin, in a good way. 🙂
I spent the afternoon and evening Saturday with Great Date on our long longed for and finally arrived first overnight. He and his gal just hadn’t done that yet, and I was pretty honored to be the first. I went over and hung a little while with Great Date and his gal, really enjoying the conversation and then we went to the University District. Hours disappeared walking and talking and drinking coffee. Our conversations just trip me out, how they flow from laughs to hurts to deep shit to giggles. God I really love.. er.. LIKE this complex man. 🙂
He’s so damned.. awesome. So supportive and sexy and funny and smart and just.. wonderful. I’m feeling a little mush today. I just keep smiling.
I should let you in on an astonishing little secret too.. uh.. seven times. SEVEN TIMES last night and once this morning he rocked my goddamned world. This alone would leave me giddy, but that he played excellent music, really talked to me, snuggled me, supported me, and understood…. ohhhhhhh.. my. I think I finally have NRE, but the good kind. We talked about this actually. We have the slow building good kind of NRE. The kind where you aren’t rushing to get everything in because you kind of feel like this is something real, something that will be around. It doesn’t have the desperate edge NRE has sometimes. It’s, well, it’s good. No, it’s kinda great. In typical me fashion I could not find words, so I just told him “mushy. I’m feeling mushy”.
Then today I had coffee with ForensicGuy and his gal. It was good. It was a little awkward for me in moments because I was unsure honestly how to act. It stems from the kinda.. odd friendship I have with him and with his gal’s clear knowledge of every detail.. which kind of surprised me. We are not dating, are clearly and decisively not dating, and are friends, but there is interest there and there’s been a little blurring of lines. I simply CAN’T date another person, but I do like our friendship and if I’m honest.. our blurry lines. It doesn’t help me keep things clear that he’s a Dom and that we talk pretty much all day long. We all went to a poly potluck then and I was happy to meet some really normal seeming poly folks and to talk about communication. Good times.
On my way there, I talked with Hubby and then with Roller Girl. She had a shitty weekend and a lot of drama caused by her ex, Kinky Boy and her mom. It was a lot to deal with and I was happy hubby had been there to support her. I just kept offering support, which is really all we can do for the stuff she is dealing with. In her compromised state, she told me “I do love you, *cough* just saying”. In my mushy compromised state I told her “I love you too (Roller Girl)”. Oh how the mighty tough are falling. Some tough girl I am. It’s been a weekend of emotions, bitter and sweet. Yeah.. I’m feeling kinda mushy.
Great date and I have our first overnight tonight. I’m giddy giddy Giddy.
Ill be totally honest. I’m still sad about Kinky Boy. I’m sorry it wasn’t a good situation, but I can’t just turn it off like a tap. I will be fine and hopefully we really will be friends and OK coworkers.
I cried last night on the ferry.. Realizing I will never kiss him again, that I’ve held him for the last time.. And I feel it now. And I balled my eyes out when I got home and again when Hubby got home. It just hurts. I feel a ton of loss. I hate that all of that good was tied with all of that bad. It doesn’t make it go away that I love my husband or that Great Date and I and Roller Girl I have a really cool thing forming. Of course.. It does help to have amazing support.
Last night I talked to ForensicGuy (remember my poly friend), helping to form my breakup plan, and with Great Date- the sweet smart hot wonderful self he always is. It did feel good to be so supported. Hubby got home and was affectionate and loving, letting me talk and holding me while I cried. We decided to go downtown and have dinner and sugary food. We called Roller Girl, who’s plans had fallen through, and ForensicGuy was free, so we all met for PG fun at a restaurant bar. We joked and laughed and talked..a few times really guffawing because things were hilarious. It felt good to laugh and for spend what would normally be my date night still surrounded by love.
I’m going to add this to the poly benefits column. It doesn’t mean your heart won’t be broken, but loving more than one person means that when it does, you’ll have the support of love when you hurt and need it most.
Now back to being giddy.